Day 36: AP-gotta say my piece

By now, I'm sure you've seen this:

It is for a piece on attachment parenting from next week's Times.  

What's Attachment Parenting?

Attachment parenting is a phrase coined by Dr. Sears that describes a parenting philosophy.  Basically, it means that you practice a child-led sort of parenting that focuses on making sure the child feels safe and secure.  Instead of reinventing the wheel, I'm just going to cut and paste the 8 principals of AP from Wikipedia:

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

That is what guides attachment parents. How they interpret it is up to that family.  It can also change over time as the family changes.   Here is what AP can look like:

• co-sleeping/bed sharing/family bed
• breastfeeding 
• baby wearing
• cloth diapering
• homeschooling/unshcooling
• homeopathy/herbal remedies
• non-circumcision
• natural childbirth/home birth
• organic/local food
• non-vax
• etc

This doesn't mean all APs do all of these thigns.  I highlighted the ones I practice or have practiced.  The focus isn't on the practices, though. It's the guiding philosophy.  Again, the focus is the baby/child. There is no checklist or set of rules to being an AP


My Parenting
I subscribe to AP because of my beliefs about parenting.  God gave me these perfect little people.  He entrusted me with their care so I do my very best for them. Their needs are simple, though they can be confusing due to the communication barrier-I don't speak cry-so I have to listen to their non-verbal cues.  My kids come first to me.  I was an AP before I knew what AP was.  It is the simplest, most primal form of parenting. I keep them close and care for them the way that feels natural to me.. I protect them from harm, environmental or otherwise. I didn't hear the term until about 2 or 3 years ago, on Cafe Mom, but it described what I did to a T.


The Cover
I'm not a big fan of the cover as a picture but I understand the purposed. The woman is standing in an empowered posed.  It's meant to be provocative and to encourage dialogue, and by golly I did!  The same people finding issue with extended breastfeeding have no issue with those icky Hardee's commercials or beer commercials or any other exploitation of women's bodies.  I think the most interesting thing about attachment parents is that (in my experience) don't judge other parents. We parent the way that is right for our kids, our families.  We aren't telling other mamas what to do, yet many people feel it necessary to vocalize their utter disdain.  Then if we counter criticism with criticism, they get angry. If we counter criticism with research, they get angry. If we counter criticism by ignoring them, they get angry.


 I was interviewed by our local NBC affiliate. Here is a link to the article and the video clip is below.  In the clip, I am actually breastfeeding Popcorn at one point, but you'll miss it if you blink.  You can see Side Salad playing on a backhoe, too.

Me Time

My life tends to be busy.  In the course of ten years, I completed my bachelors (cum laude), almost all of my masters (3 classes away), had 4 children, and got married-not necessarily in that order. People are always asking me how I do it, because apparently I make it look easy. When you work, you can take a sick day, AKA a mental health day.  When you are a part-time SAHM, it's a little harder.

The answer is that I carve out time for myself. I'm not rich by any means but I do make little splurges.  They are little in that the most expensive one is $25, the least expensive, free.  Here are a few of my Sanity Savers:

• a pedicure-manicures are a waste of time for me. I work a lot with my hands and I also wash them a lot. The polish will chip by the end of the day.  I can't stand fake nails.  But a nice pedi will last weeks.
• Movies!  I love, Love, LOVE going to the movies.  They always make me happy!  This year alone, I saw: The Immortals, Breaking Dawn, HP and the Deathly Hallows, Real Steel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Super 8, Cars 2, The Hangover 2, Bridesmaids, Fast 5, X-Men: First Class, Bad Teacher, Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon, Columbiana, and The Help. You'd think this movie habit costs me a lot but AMC near me has $5 matinees.   And the drive in is 2 moves for $7 for adults, $3 for kids AND you can bring a cooler.
• Coldstone Creamery!!!  Can you say Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It?  Worth. Every. Penny.
• Reality TV. There's nothing like watching Phaedra, Kandi, Cynthia, Kim, Nene and their friends cut up. That's what very rich people do.  Then there's Chrissy, Em,Somaya and nem, the ones who don't even pretend to be wives because they aren't.  I actually just watch Baseball Wives for the first time and whew those chicks are wild, too.  Clearly, Biggie was right. Mo' money, mo' problems.
• And my favorite, early bedtimes.  My kids go to bed at 8, no later than 9. This is to ensure that I have some time to myself every single day.

What do you do to keep your sanity? 

I'm Close Minded because I NIP (this is a long one!)

Yep, that's what one of my friends said to me on Monday.  Let me explain.  

Tris will be one in a few weeks.  Over the weekend, my SO and I were discussing his continuing to BF and SO is staunchly on my side.  This is surprising, given his family's opinion and I am so proud of him.

So my friend calls me Monday.  Here is the basic gist of the conversation:

Her: Tris is about to be one.  Are you going to wean him?

Me:  Naw.  Me and Romaine just finished talking about that and we are gonna keep going. The kid is teething anyways.  Why make him more miserable.

Her:  They say breastmilk doesn't have any nutritional value past a year or two.

Me:  It's good for at least two years (2).  Kids need it.  That's why WIC gives 1 year olds full fat milk.  They need it for their brain growth. But Tris is fine. He's happy, his mama is happy, his daddy is happy.  We've decided that we won't be making any changes.

Her:  Well, I just heard about that woman in Walmart (3). They are making laws about it because it really bothers some people.

Me: Actually, you have it backwards-the laws protect the babies and the moms from being harassed (4).  They don't limit babies and mothers rights.

Her: I don't know why. Nobody wants to see that.  People need to use blankets. They should be discreet.

Me: I don't use blankets but I am still discreet.  Tris doesn't like.  He'll pull it off.  People rarely notice unless they are staring right at your breasts.  And most people are intellegent enough to respect a child eating.

Her: I saw a woman use a blanket. Her baby was about 6 months old and didn't pull the blanket off.

Me: Well, my kids never liked blankets and all that fumbling around is aggravating.

Her: You have to teach them to use the blanket. Who is the parent and who is the child.

[at this point, i'm like wtf?]

Me: [speaking slowly] We are talking about small babies. All they know is that they are hungry

Her: That's why you should just use a bottle.

Me: Naw, I'm good. I will just feed my child when he's hungry.  If people don't like it, they can eat in the bathrooom or put blankets over their heads.

Her: That's not fair to other people. Why should they be disturbed?

Me:  They dont' have to look at my breasts. It's not like I stand on the table, do a strip tease and shake my boobs at peoples husbands and teenaged sons.  We are not talking about sex. We are talking about babies eating.  I will not put my child's needs aside for someone's comfort.  A grown person should act accordingly.

This conversation went on for nearly an hour.  i made several requests that she just drop it because we obviously felt different about this issue.

Her main contentions were that:

* Others might be offended.  I don't care. 

* Some one might say something to me.  I don't care.

* People will talk about me. I don't care.

She could not understand why I wouldn't cater to a bunch of strangers that I'll never see again.  She asked me if I would BF in front of my BFF Stacy (ssnelson26)'s hubby. I said that I had already, all four kids.  She asked if I'd be offended if Stacy breastfed in front of my SO.  She has.  My SO and Stacy's hubby are not pedophiles so they are not aroused by babies eating. 

She also said that she worked in restaurants and she knew how people talked.  Ironically, I've worked in more restaurants than she had, and breastfed my kids in every single one. 

She said what if someone came up to me and said "Excuse me, my hubby and I are on a date.  Could you please cover up?"  I told her that I don't breastfeed topless so I am not uncovered, but I would say "Sure, as soon as my child finishes eating."  She seems to think that this will be the beginning of WWIII.  Um, I guess so. 

She asked what I'd do if an employee told me I couldn't breastfeed.  I told her I'd ask for the manager and pray they said the same because I love litigation.  That's when she called me close minded. 

Her: So all you care  about is your child? You don't care about how other people feel?

Me: Exactly. 

Her: You are being very close minded.

Me: It's close minded to raise my child according to what I feel is best for them, and respecting the rights of others to do the same? 

Keep in mind, she breastfed her child.  But she was ashamed, hiding in back rooms and what not.  She only lasted a couple of months.  Her family didn't support her and she stopped. The converastion finally reached a boiling point when I brought up a situation in which a stranger questioned her mothering in public.  She was using foul and profane language and somebody told her she should have more respect for herself and her child than that.  She was offended [I think, embarassed] that someone would say something to her.  I told her that some people found cursing to be disgusting and that they don't want their children exposed to that. 

I must have hit a nerve.  People don't like having their parenting criticized or questioned. 

She got all mad saying no one found bottles disgusting and breastfeeding mothers should use them.  I finally gave up being nice and slipped into extreme lactavist and told her I found formula disgusting and it made me sick to my stomach that people would give their helpless babies the milk of another species that was pumped full of sugar and chemically modified in an attempt to be more like breastmilk instead of being unselfish.

I felt bad for saying but you have to fight fire with fire, ya know?

1. This was originally posted on CafeMom on 18 Feb 2009.

2. WHO webpage on Breastfeeding>>Nutrition http://www.who.int/nutrition/topics/exclusive_breastfeeding/en/

3. "Nursing Mother Bullied for Breastfeeding in SC Walmart" http://archive.blisstree.com/live/nursing-mother-bullied-for-breastfeeding-in-south-carolina-wal-mart/;

4. SC Law on Breastfeeding, passed in 2005 http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=14389

My Breastfeeding Experiences

I am a lactavist. I staunchly belive that breast milk is to formula like diamonds are to cubic zirconia, a cheap imitation.  If you can't get diamonds, wear CZ, but if you had a choice why would you want something less?  This is especially true when you consider that the diamonds in this case are free.

I breastfed all four of my children. Each time, I had a different life situation but somehow I managed to make it work.  With my the Astronaut, I was an 18 year old single parent, four months out of high school.  I waited a year to go to college, but worked from the time he was 2 months old. Maybe one bottle of formula passed that child's lips.  It didn't make it down his throat because he spit it out.  He has quite a discerning palate.  My mom brought him to my job to nurse. I was waiting tables intially, and worked a semi-slow shift.  I left the state and went to college full time when he was nine months old and still breastfeeding. I expressed milk for him and he began whole milk at age one.  We made it 13 months, at which point he self-weaned.  Two months later, I was pregnant.

When I had the Princess, my son had just turned two and I was back home. I worked two jobs in her infancy, begin when she was 5 weeks old.  It was a much more difficult situation.  I was having problems with my then-boyfriend and with my family. I only made it 4 months with my sweet girl.  Then we fell into a vicious cycle of eczema, ear infections, and colds that actually cost me my job.  I didn't qualify for FMLA and my job wasn't very sympathetic to the plight of single mothers with sick children.

The Squirrel was up next. I was determined to make it with her. I returned to work when she was 6 weeks old. She was a fussy little girl, my smallest baby.  Caesar wasn't working then so he stayed with her. I began pumping and freezing as soon as she was born.We began bottles of pumped milk at 2 weeks to try to avoid nipple confusion and my Avent Isis and I spent lunch together in the lacation room at work. My precious girl girl was EBF for 7 months, then hit a huge growth spurt and depleted my stored supply.  She was BF/FF for two months and then FF after 9 months. She couldn't tolerate cow milk based formula and was switch to soy with moderate success. She developed severe eczema which she still suffers from. She's allergic to all nuts (peanut/tree nut), dogs, dairy, and dust. 

Three days after I was laid off from my job, I found out I was pregnant with Side Salad. My little chunky monkey (the biggest of teh babes) was born so fast we shared our first meal together less than 30 minutes after arriving at the hospital, he from the boob and me from the hospital cafeteria.  SS was the lucky one. He was born when I was at the ripe old age of 26, much wiser and more confident as a mother than I had ever been. Formula never graced the palate of my precious papoose. Before the big kids, my mom and I went on a cruise, I stocked up the deep freezer with the help of my Avent Isis iQ Uno.   This kid was EBF until he was 21 months old.  That's right; he was walking, talking, eating from a plate, drinking from a real cup, using the potty, and all.  It was a mutual decision. He just nursed less and less until one day, I realized it'd been about a week since he nursed. I offered and he refused.

You'd assume people who had known me for a long time would be used to my breastfeeding. 

You assume too much, dear reader.  In my next blog, I will outline the infamous "NIP makes you close minded" incident of 2009.

It's a hoot.